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- 1). The first and most important step is allowing yourself permission to forgive. When we focus more on the consequences of not forgiving ourselves, we shift the focus to ourselves and how we can move beyond the past hurt and blame. The situation becomes less about the person who wronged you and more about how you are able to heal and develop a sense of peace.
- 2). Forgiving someone else first involves recognizing that forgiving someone does not give them absolution for a previous wrong. Forgiveness is often confused with absolution, since the terms are used almost interchangeably in most religions. What if the person who wronged you is not living? What if the person is someone who caused you extreme embarrassement during school 20 or 30 years ago? These people are not available to you to discuss the situation, nor do they have to be. Letting go of emotional pain does not mean that nothing happened; it means that you no longer want to be controlled by it.
- 3). Recognize that forgiveness is not denial. Whatever caused the pain was a real incident. Denying that it happened and calling it forgiveness means that it is too painful to work through the emotions. There is no timeline on forgiveness. Some steps take longer to get through, and it is acceptable to work through some of it and set it aside for a period of time. Part of forgiveness is understanding that whether or not someone takes responsibility for it (and may even demonstrate remorse), does not control whether or not you intend to continue investing emotional pain and distress each time you revisit what happened.
- 4). Understand that not everyone who forgives reconciles with the person who caused the pain. There are relationships that are toxic and even physically dangerous. While it is possible to forgive the past and move beyond it, it may also mean that the person who was involved no longer can play an active role in your life. If a person or situation is not safe, it may be best not to reconcile the relationship and then work on forgiveness at a time when you are emotionally healthy and physically safe.
- 5). Make a conscious decision to forgive someone. Even if they never apologize for what happened, determine within yourself that it is fine to proceed without this apology. Apologies should not be about permission to us to forgive someone. Apologies should be offered as an effort of true remorse and acknowledgement that taking personal responsibility for the situation is important. Even without that apology, make up your mind to forgive, forget, and eventually let go.
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