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For some, the talk with your parents about end of life preference and decisions is almost as dreaded as the talk with your children about "the birds and the bees." And in many ways, it's similar.
3 Reasons this Talk May Have Been Delayed
- Your Discomfort
Perhaps it's just difficult for you to imagine your life without your parents around, and so talking about that possibility or the steps leading up to that, is difficult. You'd simply rather ignore the issue. Even now, you're thinking that you're going to find a different article and read about something more pleasant.
- Your Parents' Discomfort
Or, it's your parents' reactions that concern you. Your father may talk about living until he's 125 years old or your mother may change the subject anytime you even venture near it. They may be resistant to imagining themselves in a situation where they can't make their own decisions and fear that you're trying to take away their independence or their money, or that the doctor might "pull the plug" too early. - Lack of Awareness
For others, maybe it hasn't even crossed your mind. If your parents are healthy and young at heart, it may seem like years before you need to worry about these kinds of decisions. Or, maybe you've thought about it and just figured it would all work itself out.
5 Reasons to Talk about It
- Protect your parents' right to make decisions
- Increase their peace of mind and yours as well
- Honor their wishes
- Avoid difficult decisions later
- Prevent family disagreements when opinions differ
How to Talk Together
Choose a time when you're not rushed or distracted.
You may need to ask them to set aside a half an hour to talk with you.
Introduce the idea by telling a story about your own will that you had drawn up, or the sudden change in health one of their friends had and the resulting medical decisions that had to be made. Reassure them that you love them and that you want to do everything possible to honor their decisions and choices.
Don't wait until a crisis occurs and you're at the hospital with them. These decisions are usually best discussed when people are feeling well and living independently.
Be prepared when you meet with them by bringing copies of some of the documents listed below. Be prepared emotionally as well that it may take them some time to consider your request to make these decisions or to put their choices in writing.
Similar to good sex education, this is a conversation that should be revisited over time. Don't expect to cover it all in one sitting and then cross it off your list. Even if your parents readily agree to proceed, check back with them periodically to make sure they still feel the same as their health or family relationships change. Give them the opportunity to ask questions and be comfortable with their choices, and assure them that you will honor their wishes.
Which Topics Should You Cover?
- Designating a power of attorney for healthcare and a financial power of attorney
- Their wishes regarding resuscitation
- Living wills including their thoughts on:
- Feeding tubes
- Hydration
- Invasive Surgeries
- Their hopes for living arrangements and medical care if help is needed
- Their burial/cremation choices and any pre-arrangements they've made
- The presence of a will if they have one
- Any other thoughts, feelings or preferences
Sources:
Dale Susan Edwards Talk Early Talk Often. Talk to Elderly Parents About the Future: Set the TEMPO. http://www.talk-early-talk-often.com/talk-to-elderly.html
Indiana State Department of Health. Advance Directives. Your Right to Decide. Accessed August 29, 2013. https://secure.in.gov/isdh/files/advanceddirectives.pdf
Texas A&M AgriLife Extension Service. Talking to Your Family about End of Life Issues. Accessed August 29, 2013.http://fcs.tamu.edu/money/your_money/money_pdfs/talking_to_your_family.pdf
University of Nebraska- Lincoln. Talking with Your Family about Living Wills and Advance Directives. Accessed August 29, 2013. http://byf.unl.edu/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=335293&name=DLFE-7457.pdf
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