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Consider this couple: Tina and Jason are in the kitchen of their flat.
She's listlessly getting dinner started, he's pushing her - again - for when he can move back in.
They were engaged; now, they live apart, but see each other daily.
They're in limbo.
In his eyes, he's been endlessly patient, giving her space while she worked through her grief following her father's death.
Now, he's had enough.
He wants her back.
It's over, she says.
She can't go on.
It's not him, it's her.
She doesn't want to marry him.
Jason storms out.
Tina feels guilty.
If this sounds like the stuff of soap operas, it is.
The long-drawn-out break up of Tina and Jason was a 2010 story line on the world's longest-running soaper, Coronation Street.
Tina has broken off her engagement with Jason because (we know this, but she doesn't seem to) she's falling in love with Graeme (who happens to be a better bloke, as they say on this show).
Jason has anger issues, for sure.
But Tina could have handled it better.
The truth is, many relationships (such as Tina's and Jason's) drag on far too long because breaking up is hard to do.
So, is there a good way to break up with your boyfriend - a way that is compassionate, kind, loving, decent, fair - and final? Here's a 7-point plan:
- Tina's "It's me" is an excuse, not a reason.
Think through and get clear on exactly why you want to break it off.
Be honest with yourself, and honest with your ex - both of you deserve that.
If you've met someone new, or your feelings have changed, or you really prefer being single right now, it can be difficult to tell someone.
Don't be hurtful, don't sugar-coat - just tell them. - Don't spring it on them when one of you is doing something else.
Sit down, in person, and have a conversation.
You will probably have to schedule it, and don't just say "We have to talk.
" Instead, say "We need to talk about our futures.
" Decide before this conversation what you want, ultimately.
Do you want to be friends, in the future? Are you colleagues? What about mutual friends? How is that going to work? - Be patient, loving and compassionate.
Don't put your ex on the defensive, don't allow yourself to get backed into a corner either, and don't play the blame game.
Instead, talk about the happy memories, the good times together, what you will always be grateful for. - Expect an emotional reaction.
Listen, support your boyfriend, but don't get sucked in and don't take anything he says personally.
You soon-to-be ex is upset and disappointed.
Cut him some slack. - It may take more than one conversation to work through this, but you don't need to rake through every detail of your relationship, 'talking out' everything.
If, on the other hand, he'd rather not see you at all and asks that you avoid places you used to go together, try to be generous.
Give him some space. - Don't accept guilt.
Give one, sincere, apology that it didn't work out.
Do not allow yourself to be persuaded to "just stay together until summer" or "after my sister's wedding" or some other future event, if you know that you need to break up now. - If things become too emotional, say you'll talk again when he is more himself, and leave.
Do not mother your ex, don't hug or kiss good-bye, no going back for afters.
For both of you.
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