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by Michael D. Hume, M.S.
Dude, that "Occupy X" thing is totally awesome, right? I mean, who wouldn't want to hang out downtown, feign anger at everything, and not have to do any work? I know, right? I mean, once you get past the smell of your unbathed colleagues, it's a rockin' way to spend your days and nights. And, now, whoa! You can get PAID, Dude! Let's go!
A few days ago I heard on the radio contraption that you can make anywhere from $350 to $650 a week to join the "movement," and all you have to do is occupy! I'm definitely going to apply, because I have TONS of experience. I've been occupying various places for years. I'm occupying a space right now! I can do this.
With so many unfortunate (or lazy) people seeking employment (meaning, technically, that they seek to be used), I bet the competition for those positions is fierce. I wonder what you have to do to get in... I guess you just have to be willing to do what the current occupiers are doing for free. Can you defecate in public, preferably on a police car (this actually happened)? Can you yell anti-Semitic slurs (happened several times)? Willing to have sex with strangers under a tarp (happened)? Buy and sell illegal drugs (happened a lot)? Are you willing to throw bottles and garbage at cops, run around with your private parts hanging out, and butcher good folk music on a cheap guitar you never had the discipline to learn to play (happened, happened, and happened way too much)?
I reckon if you're only OK at these things, you get $350. If you're a pro, you might get the $650. You'd have to ask the users - I mean, employers. The ones I heard about were the Working Families Party (Note: neither working, nor families, nor party... discuss). You may remember that this group used to be called ACORN, but after they got caught helping undercover reporters get public assistance to run an underage prostitution ring, they had to "disband" by starting to call themselves by other names, such as "Working Families Party." And now they're helping bankroll (with your tax money, maybe?) this progressive Occupy X movement. It's also well known that labor unions are paying occupiers to occupy, too.
Let me get this straight: normal people with jobs (many of whom might not be progressives at all, but might even be Americans, or folks who own a business on the side, or even Tea Partiers, or even cops) pay their union dues, which then go to recruit and bus-in people to sit in protest against... against the people who ultimately funded their protest? Hmm. Better not think too much about that.
If you're not a normal person with a job, that's OK. It certainly won't disqualify you from this fabulous opportunity. Sign up now! You'll have something your parents always wanted you to have.
You'll have an occupation!
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