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Be sure to take all of your female children camping.
The cacophony of complaints may provide music for the next county, driving them over a cliff.
My family's favorite refrain was "I'm cold, I'm hot, there's dirt in my bed" in a three-part harmony.
* Take young children to places without bathrooms for hours.
It's sure to be an adventure.
Adult and teenage children will enjoy events made "especially for kids.
" They'll all line up at the back and look poker-faced, a sign that they have no plans to send parents to a nursing home.
Boys should see such summer flicks as "Pride and Prejudice.
" Girls will love the local battleship.
While some girls surprise by actually liking the machinery, one particular brother was heard to have said, "Finally, it's almost over" at the kissing scene in the film.
Move eight states away from home.
That allows a lot of bonding time on car rides to include, but not limited to: pancake syrup on the luggage, egg salad on the car ceiling and lots of kicking.
Take the kids to the water park all day, because this time they really will put on sun protection lotion and won't leave looking like radishes as they have every other time.
When taking a trip to the movies, be sure to all see separate films but ride to the theater in the same car.
That way the group that gets out first can have its murder plans perfected.
If these were the only things that came out of summer vacations, I'd say the practice should be abolished.
But pain can really bring good things.
Sure Portuguese man-of-war and jellyfish can make any beach vacation a dud, but what would life be like without family ocean jokes such as, "Is the sand bar open?" Though my brother made a great show of collapsing from the foul air when an island we were staying on had red tide, he still found shark teeth and was eternally grateful for five minutes.
A cold may strike you down in the middle of Colonial Williamsburg, but you'll always have a picture to remember your misery.
And of course, a photo of your siblings in the stocks.
And when you're advanced in years and vacations have become passé and you try to remember what this not-working thing was, you'll be able to treasure those clear, precious moments.
So the first time you have to break up an argument on your adult family vacation, you can say, "Ah, it's just like old times.
"
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