Save your Relationship Secrets - 4 Stages of Self-Esteem

Millions of people in the U.S. seek help from counselors and therapists each year. However, did you know that only 50% of the people who enter therapy avoid divorce, and less than 20% report any improvement at all? Why is this strategy unsuccessful? Counseling is usually based on improving communication and problem solving skills, and in most cases this does absolutely nothing to address the root cause (low Self-Esteem) of a relationship crisis. At this point, you may be asking what a low level of self-esteem has to do with your failing relationship. Well, the answer is everything! You see, the root causes of a relationship crisis are the fears and insecurities caused by family dysfunction. These patterns of control, abuse, and part-time parenting rob a person of their personal power and undermine self-esteem. As an example, "My Mother verbally abused me by constantly telling me I was worthless, stupid, and ugly, but she's right, I am!" Or, "My Father always said that my sister is prettier and smarter than me, but he's right!" This type of abuse and self-blame destroys ones self-esteem and can throw a monkey wrench into a relationship quicker than you can say "Bobs your Uncle!" Obviously, the two individuals mentioned above don't love themselves, and they view themselves as being flawed and worthless, which by the way is absolutely untrue and ridiculous! However, the more someone tells you that you are worthless, the more you begin to believe them! Let's face it! If you really loved yourself and were brimming with self-esteem, would you be in the mists of a relationship crisis? Therefore, if you want to overcome your relationship challenges, you're going to have to seek the truth through liberation and restore your self-esteem through empowerment.

For your benefit, I have outlined the four stages of self-esteem below. Notice that liberation is the first. This is not by chance since the remaining stages are difficult, if not impossible, to reach if you do not obtain the first.

1. Liberation 

To set somebody free from socially imposed constraints.

If you are in fact in the mists of a relationship crisis, begin by examining the path that brought you to your present state. What types of family dysfunctions played a role in undermining your self-esteem? Were your parents verbally, physically, or sexually abusive? Were they controlling and manipulative? Did they fail to provide the love, guidance, and bonding by showing up part-time for a full-time job? Or, did they abuse alcohol or drugs? These are the questions that must be answered. Once you have uncovered these negative patterns, you must liberate yourself from them by putting a stop to the dysfunctional behavior. This must be done by either setting some boundaries or, in extreme cases, by severing the relationship.

 2.Self-reflection

A complete and individual personality, especially one that somebody recognizes as his or her own and with which there is a sense of ease.

Once you have liberated yourself from patterns of dysfunction, it is time to re-evaluate who you are, what you believe in, and the principles you stand for. It is hard to be at ease with yourself if you fail to live your life in truth or stand for a set of principles. Define what those are and stand like a rock, refusing to let anyone persuade you otherwise.

 3. Self-love

To hold ones self in hi merit or regard, concerning their personality, principles, and actions.

Once you have adopted a new set of principles and beliefs, you can now begin to uncover who you really are. Get to know yourself! Discover your true authentic self, and realize that you have the power to change and create anything you want in life. We are all the same and we are all connected, so the playing field is a level plane! Note: (Mediation can be helpful in this process.)

 4. Transformation

A complete change - usually into something with an improved state, appearance, or usefulness.

Change is incredibly hard and very frightening for most people, isn't it! The fact of the matter is, most people avoid and even resist change. But, you can't avoid it, and you certainly can't stop it. At the end of the day, life is a journey of change. And the sooner you realize that the better off you'll be. Let's use the following parable to describe the process of change; your standing on the dysfunctional side of the road and on the other side is change. You can stay on the dysfunctional side of the road and say "even though this side is pretty screwed up, it's a little more comfortable than the other side because I don't know what's over there!" Or you can venture into the middle of the road, confused about whether to go back or to cross." And, I don't think I need to tell what happens when you stand in the middle of the road to long, do I! Or, you can close your eyes and walk across in faith, knowing that whatever is on the other side has to be better than where you were! But, this is scary for people isn't it? In reality, it just comes down to fear! You really do have "nothing to fear but fear itself!"

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Regards,

David Roppo

The Relationship Rehab Coach